Princess Carolyn, do I have a purpose?

Todd: Princess Carolyn, do I have a purpose?

Princess Carolyn: Oh, purpose? Are you high?

Todd: Only the normal amount.

“Chickens”. Bojack Horseman. Writ. Raphael Bob-Waksberg. Tornante Television, 2015. Netflix.

Oftentimes, I think about my purpose in life. Is it to make lots of money and buy a nice, big house one day? Is it to have a family and become a parent? Is it to help others and do good for the world? Is it to find my dream job? Is it to eat healthy and exercise until I’m eighty? Is it to find fulfillment in my life in general?

Maybe it can be all of those things, except maybe for the eating healthy, I’m always going to indulge in chocolate or my sugar rich coffee creamers once in a while (all the time).

My point in bringing this up is because we’re all looking for some sort of purpose in life, some more than others. This search may intensify as we grow older. I, for my part and my astounding quarter of a century on earth, haven’t exactly always been concerned with this as a whole. However, I do often ponder this in relation to the endeavors I undertake. For example, this blog.

I’ve been blogging since I was about fifteen or sixteen. I’ve started and deleted quite a few blogs. I’ve been writing even earlier than that, probably around nine or ten years old. I wrote my first book, more of a novella, at eleven. It has since been lost to the annals of disorganization on my kid part. I’ve always had a passion for writing. Growing up I was told I was a good writer. Maybe I was. I don’t have much writing from before I was fifteen to really compare my current writing to. Whether I possessed a natural affinity for writing or not, I enjoyed it immensely. I was at first encouraged to write in order to turn it into a career. This didn’t work out, clearly. I actually grew to dislike writing after a while because I realized I didn’t enjoy doing it because of its potential earn me greenbacks. I enjoyed it for the simple joy of doing it.

For a few years, I did write with the sole purpose of trying to monetize my writings. After a while, my passion for writing fizzled and I gave up on my blogs and on my attempts to find writing jobs. I realized I wasn’t happy if the only reason I was writing was to monetize it. My mother works currently writing for a living. Her work isn’t creative writing though, mostly it’s content editing for companies and technical writing for clients in various industries. This isn’t something I don’t think I could ever enjoy doing. I’ve done a lot of technical writing over the past six years earning my bachelor’s degree and I know when I eventually buckle down and start on my master’s I’ll be doing even more. I do enjoy technical writing but in an academic setting it serves the purpose of demonstrating a strong understanding of concepts and principles learned. I can get behind that kind of writing. What I can’t get behind is writing simply to earn money. I’ve written many books, over twenty to be exact, many of which were never and may never be published. The ones that were have since been out of print due to my pulling them out because of some editing errors that I just never felt like correcting.

This is not to say that I will never produce writing that may earn money. I just don’t want that to be my sole focus. I enjoy writing just because. I enjoy writing because it gives me an outlet, to decompress, to share my thoughts with others.

Now, back to my blogging failures. I’ve tried many times and failed to maintain a blog successfully. I often gave up because I got bored or decided I didn’t know what to write about.

Finally, I know what I want to write about. I want to write about myself. There’s a plethora of content there. Not because I’m amazing (I am) but because I have had many experiences and will continue to have many more. But this is more like a journey, sharing the good and the bad, not so much showcasing me but focusing more on what I’ve learned and how it has made me a better person.

This is going to be like an introspective journal of my experiences, past and present. I’m going to be very candid. I won’t sugar coat anything because life is butterflies and rainbows and also rotting flora and fauna and earthquakes and tornadoes. Life is like a pizza. Sometimes it has pineapple on it. For some, that’s the best thing since before sliced bread (or most favorite food of choice) and for others, it’s a sign that World War 3 and the end of days is upon us.

Perspective is everything.

Be well.

Featured Image: Photo by Me, Borestone Mountain, 2018.

I'm an Albatraoz?

So, why did I choose this by line for my website?

I heard a song by AronChupa on Spotify about five years called “I’m an Albatraoz”.

There’s some less than wholesome lyrics contained within the song but I remember hearing it and feeling, buzzword alert, empowered.

“Fuck that little mouse, ’cause I’m an albatraoz”.

There’s some wordplay here but the gist is that albatraoz is a reference to the albatross which is a large and sometimes aggressive bird. Hence, an albatraoz is someone who is not to be messed with.

And I like that.

When I heard it, I thought, yes, I’m not to be messed with.

This is significant for me because growing up I didn’t develop self esteem the way I should have. In the environment I was raised in I learned that my privacy didn’t matter, that emotions were a burden, especially sad ones, that if you had time to talk about your problems you weren’t spending enough time being thankful for what you had and that if you felt sad or any other negative emotion you needed Jesus and needed to pray more.

After leaving home at nineteen, the world came as a shock to me. Some negative things I never knew existed reared their ugly heads, I had been so protected. Some rights I didn’t know I had knocked me on my back because wrapping my head around the fact that had certain rights made me so tired I needed a nap. I quickly learned that the world didn’t always operate in the parameters of the little nucleus I’d been taught to view. Some of that learning experience was disappointing because learning about some of the real depravity in the world was oftentimes mind boggling. But a lot of it was also eye opening, in a good way. It’s like being in a tiny room all your life and one day finally escaping and realizing there’s other rooms, with things in it that you’ve never seen, fascinating, wonderful things.

So, I chose this by line for this website because that’s how I feel. Strong, badass, not to be messed with and I want to share that feeling with others, those who need it and even those who don’t because they feel the same way. Charity and solidarity.

The site address isn’t the same though because it was already taken and I didn’t want to use a variation because that’s not unique. So, I created F the Dragon. What the F stands for should be apparent. To me the dragon represents demons, the things we struggle with, our problems, our traumas, our pain, our sadness, our anger. All those things though, we can’t allow to consume us. We have to prevail over them. They’re going to happen, they’re going to manifest but we can’t let them win. Instead, we battle the dragon, every day, every week, or every month. When we defeat the dragon, the phoenix rises. We are reborn each time, stronger and stronger. Sometimes, the phoenix dies but we just kill that old dragon again and the phoenix returns, stronger than ever, ready to fight another day.

Be well.

But, you seem normal (TW)

Recently, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I.

Yes, I went there. I’ll write more later about my life in general and especially my childhood because I find it fascinating in retrospect even though I didn’t enjoy most of it.

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Welcome to my stupid, crazy world

There’s no such thing as pomp and circumstance to my life. Except maybe when I was born. Who knows? I wasn’t there. Well, I was but you know what I mean.

I’d like to say to everyone I meet, welcome to my stupid, crazy world that I wouldn’t have any other way. I choose not to say that for several reasons. One, it sounds somewhat self deprecating, something that doesn’t fit with my personality. Two, I don’t want to be a walking, talking advertisement on how much my life sucks. And finally, three, I recognize that other people are struggling too. #DianeNguyen “Why am I so special?”

It bears mentioning that my life doesn’t suck. Aspects of it does, but who can say that no part of their life sucks? Let me know if you find someone who can because I would like to meet that person and learn their secrets. Hey, maybe they exist; I’ve been wrong before.

All that being said, I have had some seriously stressful, painful experiences, some occurred completely out of my control; others existed for reasons I can’t truthfully blame on anyone but myself. And having lived now for a quarter of a decade, I consider myself very fortunate to have made the decision to reflect on my past as much as I have.

Some of these reflections have been brewing inside me for years. Some have only recently been shared with others but I want to share them for the world to see. Not because I’m sort of guru but because I want to remind others that they’re not alone. They are unique and no one can truly understand your struggles, even if they’ve experienced the same exact thing, unless they’re you, because everyone is so amazingly unique.

So, this is my stomping grounds, where I’m going to pour my heart and soul out into little pools of refreshing water that I hope will find their way to any individual who needs encouragement, hope or just a reminder that they are beautiful and worthy of love, acceptance and understanding.

Welcome to my stupid, crazy, wonderful world.